This blog may have little to no coherence to it, but I just have a lot of thoughts running through my head that I want to get out.

It seems like the great majority of my friends are either married, engaged, in a relationship, or at least dating.  At present I am probably the only completely single person I know.  I don't really mind being single--it's not that I need to have a relationship, but I'm getting lonely nonetheless.  A lot of my friends are also over 21, so they tend to go to bars or dates with their significant others while I'm more or less left out.  Now, obviously, I don't want to get a guy just to "fit in," but I'd feel better if a guy had at least shown a little interest in the past 8 months.  It's been 8 months since I've really been on a date and nearly two years since I had a man treat me properly. 

The Marine guy was pretty great for a little while, but in the end, that wasn't the best relationship ever. He did the lovely "fade out" by not contacting me anymore.  Clearly he didn't think of the relationship in the way I did, if he could simply drop off contact that way.  And of course, my ex-fiance is massively happy.  I'm not sure, but the woman he is still with might be the one he traded me in for in October 2007.  Either way, they've been together well over a year and are in love.  I've had a long string of assholes and am now lonely.  So much for karma, I guess...

I've been taking a lot of pride in my accomplishments and work with school, but in an odd way, that makes the singledom more annoying.  I wonder why every guy I meet is so uninterested.  I am not too forward or too shy, I'm not needy or high maintenance, but I don't play too hard to get.  Like many other singles out there, I am looking to the heavens and asking "what is wrong with me?"  I know that nothing is "wrong with me" per se, but I'm just wondering why I keep casting out lines and getting no biting.  I will attempt to be patient, of course, because being single isn't the end of the world--it actually has a lot of perks--but I keep wondering if I am ever going to have a chance at a decent relationship again.  If only 99% of men my age weren't douchebags...

It seems that things are just not meant to work out for me romantically anytime soon.  I've liked a few guys and they don't like me...either I like them and they reject me straight away or they like me, I give them a chance and get attached, and then they reject me.  Either way, I can't seem to interest a guy or keep him interested.  There's just something inherently wrong with me, I suppose. 

Things with the current boyfriend may or may not end soon.  I hadn't heard from him in a month, so I called him on Valentine's Day.  We had a very short 5 minute conversation that went like so:

Me: Hey, I haven't heard from you in a while. (Silence)  What have you been up to?

Him: Well, I've been busy... (Silence)

Me: Um...I really have to ask.  Sorry.  But are you still interested?  I'm not sure anymore, since I haven't heard from you in so long, I didn't know what to think...

Him: Yeah. 

Me: Oh, ok.  I just wasn't sure... (Silence)

Him: Well, I'm in the field for 45 days at a time and I just got back on Thursday and I've been busy.

Me: That's fine.  I understand if you're busy.  I just had to ask.  Sorry.

Him: You're fine.

I proceed to tell him tidbits about my life and ask him what he's doing ("I was eating dinner" is his response).  There's a lot of silence with me babbling.  I say "Happy Valentine's Day" and get no response.  He talks to some people around him at one point.

Me: Do you want to go?

Him: Yeah.  I'm busy.  I have admin work to do.

Me: Ok.  Umm...well if you wanted to call me sometime, that would be fine.  Feel free.

Him: Okey-dokey.  Bye. *click*

That was it.  It lasted a grand total of 5 mins and 9 seconds.  I'm definitely thinking at this point that he isn't interested (at least not as much as me, anyway) and I'm not really sure why he's kept in touch with me anyway.  I figure if he just wants a fuck buddy, there are easier ways to find one than keep in touch with a woman for nearly 7 months (even through a 3 month deployment).  I'm basically assuming at this point that things are over.  I'll see if we reconnect before he goes to Iraq in March or I'll just move on.  Either way, I'm done being in limbo.  I'm single now, as far as I'm concerned.  I do hope that he and I reconnect, but I'm not going to get my hopes up.  At any rate, I'm still very much in love with him...stupid love.